


And This Is Why You're A Stupid

by Ratt9



Category: Death Note
Genre: Anger, Angst, Canon Compliant, Comedy, Drabble Collection, Drabble Sequence, Humor, Minor Character Death, Multi, This Is STUPID
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2011-11-15
Updated: 2012-04-16
Packaged: 2017-10-28 14:58:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 30
Words: 8,068
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/309082
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ratt9/pseuds/Ratt9
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A collection of Death Note rants by different characters regarding things the creators did to them. Generally drabble-ish.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. on Yotsuba

**Chapter 1: on Yotsuba**

* * *

Hey guys. This is Matsuda here. I just have a little thing to say about Yotsuba, and the manner in which they were caught.

Alright. For one thing. The Yotsuba members involved in the whole Kira plot were unbelievably _stupid_. And that statement means a lot, considering who it's coming from.

But really. Come _on_.

When you're holding secret meetings where you decide who to kill and who not to kill, you don't just say out loud, " _Oh, it's a good thing these_ _ **confidential meetings**_ _only happen along the weekends._ "

I mean, seriously? _Seriously?_ Nothing suspicious about that, guys.

That would be like me standing in an elevator in a public place and saying, "Huh. It's a good thing the rooms are nice in my _**secret headquarters**_ , because I can't pay my rent with the money I'm being paid currently."

(Which, sadly, happens to be the truth.)

All I'm saying is, Yotsuba is stupid.

And that I need a bigger salary. I know you're reading this, Ryuzaki.

Peace out!

-Matsuda


	2. on Sayu Being Kira

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> By Light.

**Chapter 2: on Sayu Being Kira**

* * *

Hello. This is Light Yagami. I have a problem with the way Ryuzaki automatically suspected me of Kiradom and didn't even give my sister a single consideration.

That's right. Sayu could have just as easily been Kira. There was nothing in Kira's MO that declared "him" absolutely male. And surely there wasn't anything that should have made L think, "Oh, Kira must be a damn smart bastard." After all, L was able to trick Kira into giving away his location.

Motives? Sayu could have been killing criminals out of a desire for attention, which she lacks due to being the sibling of someone so incredible and charming as myself. I'm not egotistical or anything, I'm just speaking the truth. Honest.

Just like I hide behind my whole "perfect son" act, Sayu could be hiding behind her "bubbly child" façade.

OR we could have BOTH been Kira. Sibling accomplices. Ever thought of _that_ , Ryuzaki?

Come to think of it, using Sayu would be so convenient.

All I'm saying is, it's not fair that I was the first to be blamed. Sayu would have been a much better person to suspect as Kira.

Just something for you to think about.

~Light Yagami

 _-also known as-_

~Kira, God of this new world.

(I really am not egotistical at all. I only sound that way to you because, unlike me, your intelligence is severely lacking and causes you to make mistakes with things such as this.)


	3. on Light's Smirk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> By L.

**Chapter 3: on Light's Smirk**

* * *

A lot can be revealed about a person by watching them while they sleep. That may sound ever so slightly stalkerish (to the absolute smallest degree), but, as L, watching people while they sleep is not only something that I _can_ get away with, but something that I _do_ get away with on a regular basis.

Everyone on the Japanese task force walks around as if I'm chained to Light-kun because one day I decided I had nothing better to do than to place straight-A college students on my 'supernatural-mass-murderer' suspect list. Well, just so you know.

While it may _appear_ that the only things occupying my mind are strawberries and sugary pastries, I _do_ actually have better things to be doing with my time. I solve cases. And, I've never been wrong.

After all, you can't afford to be wrong when you're the _**three greatest detectives**_ _in the_ _ **world**_. I've successfully solved somewhere around 2,300 cases, and that number is constantly growing.

And I've never been wrong. I've never been wrong.

So, if I say that Light Yagami is Kira, I expect for people to _believe_ that Light Yagami is Kira. Hell, if I told you that Kira is some indiscriminate _apple tree_ , you could be damn well sure that Kira _is_ an indiscriminate apple tree.

Allow me to be perfectly clear. Beyond all my deductions and complex logic, my suspicions of Light might have something to do with the way the boy _smirks evilly in his sleep_.

He also smirks evilly whenever something good happens for Kira. It's so noticeable! I don't understand why I am the only one to notice it.

Sigh. It seems like I'm the only one to notice everything, doesn't it? I guess that's what they pay me for.

Speaking of which, I will not increase your salary, Matsuda.

That's all I have to say.

~L

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Co-authored by Stranger To Modern.


	4. on Unfair Treatment

**Chapter 4: on Unfair Treatment**

* * *

Hello, my name is Soichiro Yagami. You probably know who I am already, so I'll skip further introductions. I want you to listen to what I have to say, because I doubt there is anyone else out there willing to listen to me.

Am I the only one who feels like the creators of this show hate me? Just think about it.

Throughout the course of the show, I suffered a stress-induced heart attack, my hair turned grey, my son was suspected by the world's greatest detective to be a mass murderer, I was locked in solitary confinement, I had to shoot my son with a blank, I was shot, I was blown up, I had to halve my life span, my daughter was kidnapped, my son is Kira, my own son became my superior, and then I _die_!

I mean, how is _that_ fair? Not even Matsuda was put through that much. And the rest of the task force?

Paper cuts. Instead of gunshot wounds, the rest of my colleagues suffered from paper cuts.

(Besides, of course, Ryuzaki. Because he was killed. So was Ukita. And then Light was shot by Matsuda six times. But that's because he was trying to kill everybody.)

But really, I was like the punching bag of the entire series. They only used Matsuda as a cover up.

Don't you think?

-Soichiro Yagami


	5. on L's Helicopter

**Chapter 5: on L's Helicopter**

* * *

So there I was, working on one of the most highly classified and mysterious cases of mass murder the world has ever seen, all the while chained to a man claiming to be the greatest (three) detectives in the world (but whom I thought, at times, was certainly just some mentally unstable stand-in, because _oh my god surely the fate of the world couldn't actually be resting in the hands of someone this insane or else we're all going to be doomed_ ).

The day we captured Higuchi was definitely one of those days.

We figured out that Higuchi was the one playing the role of Kira, so L and I were making all these elaborate plans. Plans that would ultimately result in locking Higuchi safely in the confines of our interrogation room, working with criminals, endangering Matsuda's life, stalking Higuchi with illegal wiretaps and hidden cameras, setting up a faux story about the company being on a vacation in Okinawa, and basically just screwing with the man's mind and pissing him off to the point where he began to make really funny faces. Have you noticed? People sometimes make pretty stupid faces when they're very frustrated. It's very entertaining when you have hidden cameras aimed at them.

But I digress.

When Higuchi was cornered, L suggested that we "go join in on the action."

To be honest, it felt pretty damn cool to be the co-pilot of a helicopter, especially considering that I hadn't a clue how to actually fly it. Impressed, I said to L, "Wow, Ryuzaki, I never knew you could pilot a helicopter."

L answered casually with, "Oh, it's just intuition, really."

What. The. _Hell_.

 _Just intuition? !_

Let me be clear on just one thing.

People. Do not. Fly helicopters. Using. _Just. Intuition._

Who the _fuck_ let him get behind the wheel of that thing, anyway? _Watari?_

I didn't have time to ask L's caretaker how the hell _he_ wasn't terrified for his flippin' life, because then I saw that the old man was wielding a sniper, and decided that maybe it would be best not to draw any attention to myself. I know it was illogical to think that Watari would ever shoot me, but seriously. I don't think I've ever felt so freaked out in my life, other than the time I thought my father was going to murder me and then commit suicide.

Seriously. Wouldn't _you_ be freaked out, too? Just imagine how you'd feel if you got on a plane or something, and then in the middle of the flight the pilot said into the intercom, "By the way, everyone, I never actually learned how to pilot a plane. I'm just using my intuition."

Would that make you feel safe? I think not. If you see no problem with that, you must be suicidal or something.

I could have died.

I dunno, maybe he'd have liked that.

What I'm saying is, this man is _insane_. When I killed him, I wasn't only thinking Kira- thoughts. Somewhere, deep in my mind, I was also thinking, " _THIS IS FOR THE HELICOPTER._ "

-Light


	6. on Aizawa's Afro

**Chapter 6: on Aizawa's Afro**

* * *

Yo, it's Aizawa, and I have a thing or two to say about my hair. For one thing: Yes, I know my hair looks stupid, but give me a break—how many other non-black men do you know who have naturally-occurring afros? Huh? Huh? That's right. Just me. Because I'm awesome like that.

…And, I look a lot more stupid if I straighten it. Trust me.

(I also look a hell of a lot worse when I'm bald. Just don't even ask.)

All I'm trying to say is, although yes, my hair does look a little stupid, _it's still my hair_. It's part of _who I am._ I mean, hey! I'm Aizawa! I'm the Afro Man! Who am I, if not the guy with the sick 'fro? Oh yeah, Eriko babe, Aizawa the afro man is here to play.

…

Okay, okay, maybe that was a little too creepy. My mind tends to wander a bit when I'm filling out stupid survey forms like these. I don't know why Light has already wasted his life filling out _two_ of them. Back to the main point.

The point is, _they made me cut off my afro._ What the fuck? Damn Ohba for willing me to do that! Damn Obata for making it happen!

Back in the times of old, enemies would chop off a samurai's hair as a way of bringing them dishonour. Well, that's basically what they did to me.

…

There are no other words for this.

-Aizawa


	7. on Unwilling Incrimination

**Chapter 7: on Unwilling Incrimination**

* * *

You don't know me. I'm sure you've heard of me, but no one truly _knows_ me. They never take the time. After all, who wants to talk to a poor, wimpy little barbeque-flavoured potato chip?

You might be thinking to yourself, "What? How the hell are you even writing a rant if you are but a mere potato chip? !"

Well that, my hated predator, is for me to know and for you to waste the rest of your life trying to figure out. But that is completely irrelevant right now.

Because you see, something that is even more extraordinary than the fact that you are reading something written by a potato chip is the fact that you are reading something written by a _dead_ potato chip.

That's right. I am that poor chip whose life was destroyed by the evil mouth of Yellow-Haired Boy.

(Well, I say that he has yellow hair only because yellow is the only colour us barbeque potato chips can see, so who knows? If you asked a salt-and-vinegar potato chip, they'd refer to him as Red-Haired Boy. They, too, can only see yellow, but they think that yellow is actually red. But whatevs.)

I guess being eaten isn't so bad. I mean, from the very first time we are seasoned back in the factory, it becomes pretty clear to us that, at some point in our lives, we will have to face with bravery a human being as they slaughter us with a mortifying _crunch_.

Such is our purpose in life.

But, that's not what I am unhappy about.

Yellow-Haired Boy took me and ate me for the purpose of covering up criminal activities. Namely, murder. I for one do not approve of murder. I am not a Kira supporter, and I never will be. The fact that I was used in a way that helped such a man is _completely_ unacceptable and should be punishable by _death_.

Er, life in prison.

I was used against my will by that _monster_. This is just wrong.

That is all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just personified a potato chip.
> 
> I discovered that some potato chips can be very melodramatic individuals.
> 
> What am I doing with my life.
> 
> What am I doing.
> 
> …
> 
> I think I'm going to go and eat some potato chips now.


	8. on Light Yagami's Self Obsession

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Sexual themes.

**Chapter 8: on Light Yagami's Self Obsession**

* * *

What the hell is up with my brother? I mean, I act all nice to him and stuff, but that's only because he gets all bitchy if I _don't_ act like I worship the ground he stands on.

(When Light gets like that, my friends and I just say that he must be Man-PMSing.)

I mean, I love him and all, but _damn,_ living with him is a _huge_ pain. He has the biggest ego you can imagine. He smugly flaunts his good looks, perfect grades, and flawless study habits every chance he gets, all the while pretending to be modest about it. But don't be deceived—Light Yagami totally thinks that he's a super-smexy beast.

Do you even know how long he spends in the bathroom each morning before school? You have nooo flippin' idea. One morning, he was in there for so long (like, for over 45 minutes) that I thought he had drowned in the toilet or something.

When he didn't respond to me pounding on the door, I—like the good little worried sister I am—went around to the outside of the house and climbed up a ladder to the bathroom window. Rather than seeing Light's drowned corpse with its head lodged inside the toilet (which I was almost hoping to find, because that would have been the only excuse I'd accept from him as to why he was in there so long), I found my brother jacking off while staring at himself in the mirror.

And he just kept moaning, "Oh yeah, I'm awesome, oooh." I mean, _omfg! Omfg!_

Needless to say, I was mind-scarred for life.

He goes around telling people that he doesn't have much of an ego, but make no mistake—that boy gets turned on by himself.

Once, I even heard him shouting something like, "I am the god of the world!" followed by a bunch of random, high-pitched giggles. I mean, how distracting is that?

Rather than confronting my brother about his god-complex, I asked him to help me with my homework. Well, let me tell you: I'm in middle school, and he's starting college at the top of his class, and he acted all proud and show-offy about being able to do my math homework.

Yeah. Totally something to be proud of.

All in all, Light Yagami is a pain in the ass. Don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise.

-Sayu Yagami

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Inspired by real events, back when I was living with a guy friend of mine.


	9. on Trigger-Happy Policemen

**Chapter 9: on Trigger Happy Policemen**

* * *

'Sup, it's Matt.

Okay, so I'm pretty sure there are laws against killing someone once they've already surrendered.

Sure, I was helping Mello kidnap Kira's spokesperson, and yeah, Mello is the leader of the mafia, but _dude_. I wasn't even armed! I had both my hands in the air, clearly void of any sort of weapon, calmly smoking my cig.

And then, out of nowhere, _BANGBANGBANGBANGBANG!_

And then I'm dead.

And then, and then, that complete bozo of a cop was all, "Oh yeah, he probably wouldn't have told us anything, anyway."

What the _fuck?_

Well, _what if I would have?_ I wouldn't have said anything, but _they couldn't have known that!_ What ever happened to being innocent until proven guilty? Huh? Huh? They gained _nothing_ from killing me except for satisfying their trigger-happy fingers.

They should have been killed by Kira.

-Matt


	10. on Ukita's Ears

**Chapter 10: on Ukita's Ears**

* * *

Hello. This is Watari. I normally don't feel that I have very much to complain about, but Light prodded me and prodded me (he prodded everyone with a malicious amount of enthusiasm, actually) to fill out one of these rant sheets, so I finally agreed, just to make him stop bothering me about it.

And so I thought and thought and thought and thought and finally I know what I would like to bring up as a small issue I had.

Ukita's ears resemble that of an ape. Besides maybe the fact that he smokes, Ukita's ears are the first thing I noticed upon meeting him, and the only thing I really remembered about him after he died.

And really, the legend of his ears died with him, because now that he's dead and buried, no one would believe it if they were told that there used to be a man in the NPA who had small, round ears sticking out of his skull like a primate. It's pretty much the whole "seeing is believing" deal with him, and photographs just don't capture the full extent of the emotions evoked from the sight of him.

I'm sure he used to be made fun of as a child. Of course, if I were a kid, I'd be making fun of him, too, but now I am obviously much more mature than that. Now I just calmly serve him tea, while at the same time calling him inappropriate names in my head. But do you ever see me saying them out loud? No. Never. But you know all those times you see me smile for no apparent reason? Well, that probably means I was mentally insulting/making fun of someone on the task force (or occasionally Roger, for whatever reason).

:)

Well, maybe his mother was a monkey, or something. Some kind of primate?

Or a Neanderthal, at the very least. Even just someone who looks like a Neanderthal?

Not that I would ever ask. I'd rather just stick to smiling at people.

All that being said, I do feel it necessary to reiterate that I _did_ actually like Ukita, and it _is_ a shame that he died. The loss of life is never something that should be looked at in a positive light, be it the death of a human or a primate. Or the death of anything, really.

Thoughts?

-Watari


	11. on Unintelligent Observations

**Chapter 11: on Unintelligent Observations**

* * *

Hey, it's Naomi Misora. Remember me? I'm that Japanese woman who figured out that Kira can kill in ways other than heart attacks—the woman who was forced by Kira to kill herself. You know…Raye Penber's wife? The one who helped L during the Waro Ningo Murders back in LA? Shoko Maki?

Yeah. There's probably a lot I could complain about, but I really only am here to say one thing. And it's probably not even about anything you'd expect.

My husband is an _idiot_.

I love Raye, I do—he's sweet, and even though he occasionally comes off as a total sexist, he only means to protect me (even though he's probably the one who needs more protecting). Unfortunately, my husband can sometimes be just a little bit…dim-witted.

No, that's actually not fair to say. Raye is a man with average intelligence, which automatically deems him dim-witted when put next to a man like Kira. I, on the other hand, considering how I saw through Light's scheme (grief-stricken, nonetheless!), almost ruined him, and was considered one of the most skilled agents in the FBI before Raye made me quit to go get married to him, I'd say I am a bit higher up on the cleverness scale.

But even more than that, I am a woman, and it seems like it should be blatantly obvious that it is _NOT_ "normal" for someone to have a new girlfriend every single goddamn day!

In Raye's report on Light Yagami, he said something to the extent of "Light Yagami just seems like an average kid."

Really, Raye? Really? You find it normal that one teenage boy dates a different girl every day? That should be a reason for suspicion right there. I certainly _hope_ that that's not what you did before meeting me.

And you could have handled the subway thing a bit better, too. When a man says, "I am Kira," and stands right behind you, you should pretty much figure that he plans on killing you. Rather than just doing whatever he says, you should have spun around, seen who he was, and started shouting, " _LIGHT YAGAMI IS KIRA!"_ at the top of your lungs. Or spun around and kicked him in the balls and held him down.

Really Raye, really. You should have let a woman handle this.

That's just about it.

-Naomi Misora


	12. on Parental Ignorance

**Chapter 12: on Parental Ignorance**

* * *

Hey'al. You know who I am? Do yah? Do yah?

Damn right yah don't.

I, my good sir, just so happen to be Light Yagami's bedroom wall.

Yeah. That's right. It's kinda like the whole, "If walls could talk" deal, only we _can_. Or, I can. Yeah.

Before I get on with things, let me tell you a little bit about what it's like being a wall and all (cuz I doubt that's something yu'al would know much about. This is more in my expertise, so please, leave the explaining to the expert. Pffft.).

So, us walls an' stuff, we are pretty complicated individuals, y'know? We can see every little thang that's goin' on in that whole dang house of yuhrs, but we can only hear the things bounces off'uh us. Yah know what that means?

That's right. We can hear whatever sound fills one of the rooms we help enclose. So if I is a wall that is part of the Light Yagami Society (y'all would take that sentence to mean, "If I is Light Yagami's bedroom wall")—which I is—I can hear whatever sound a human could hear if they was standing in the middle of the Light Yagami's, er, room. But nowhere else in the house. But I can _see_ all over the house. You catch what I'm pokin' at?

Well, Light Yagami is one of those weird people, I guess yuh could say. I mean, he's super religious or somethin'. Always shoutin' about God and all, and bein' God. Always talkin' to himself, even when no one's even in the room. It's a bit sketchy—kinda reminds me of a cult or somethin'. But I dunno.

But anyway, it's really annoying. I mean really. Always yelling—yelling at the television, yelling at his imaginary friend, yelling at himself—always about God and all. That kid is really fucking religious, I'm not even joking.

I don't know why his parents never seem to hear him, or even his little sister. I mean, the others hear his shouting all over. I think you humans are deaf or something, cuz his family never catches it. It's pretty dang weird.

Well, toodles.

-Wall of the Light Yagami Society


	13. on Nonexistent Eyebrows

**Chapter 13: on Nonexistant Eyebrows**

* * *

This is L. I am here to make an inquiry as to the whereabouts of my eyebrows.

Where are they?

So. I started _out_ having eyebrows, but later on, they seem to have magically disappeared. O powerful creator, are you implying that I spontaneously decided to shave them off? Why would I _do_ that?

Why.

Just _why_.

Did you simply forget to give me eyebrows or something to that effect? Did you just _forget_ them? How does one _forget_ to give somebody eyebrows?

That's just not something someone _forgets_.

Which is why I've come to the following conclusion. You, O great and powerful creator, maliciously _intended_ for me not to have eyebrows in an attempt to make it appear as though I went mad and, in this moment of insanity, took a razor and shaved them off (for whatever reason).

I'll have you all know right now that _I_ _DID NO SUCH THING._

I'M NOT THAT GODDAMN CRAZY.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO MY EYEBROWS, BUT I CAN ASSURE YOU THAT _IT WASN'T THAT_.

THIS IS A CONSPIRACY.

Thank you and I wish you all a pleasant evening.

-L


	14. on Very Lengthy Death Scenes

**Chapter 14: on Very Lengthy Death Scenes**

* * *

This is K, otherwise known as Dr. Kujo. I'm that bioterrorist chick who tried to kill off most of the world's population but was, in the end, stopped by L. Yeah, I failed, but that's not what I'm here to complain about.

Remember that guy, Dr. Nikaido? Maki's father? Remember how I killed him?

Do you remember how goddamn _long_ it took to kill him?

Like, _geez_ , oh my _god_.

He was screaming and everything, and screaming, and screaming, and _screaming_. And then he fell down, and stopped screaming. And then, just when you thought it was over…

 _Pop!_

He comes back up again, and keeps screaming _more_.

All I could think was, _'Seriously, how long is it gonna take for this guy to just die?'_

Ugh. That must have been the longest death scene of my life.

That will be all.

~Dr. Kujo


	15. on Incompetency

**Chapter 15: on Incompetency**

* * *

This is Commander Rester, Near's assistant and guardian. First of all, let it be known that I respect Near very much, and I have no doubts about his incredible intellect. He is certainly much smarter than I am.

However.

He is also impossibly incompetent when it comes to doing things for himself. I mean, I was in Japan, and he made me fly all the way back to New York just to book his flight and escort him on the jet. Do you even know how long such a flight is? It's incredibly annoying.

I really need to teach Near some skills to deal with the real-world. I fear that if anything were to happen to me (like, say, _dying_ ), Near would possibly starve to death or something. Sometimes, I even forget that he knows how to—and is capable of—walking.

Ergh. I wonder if Watari ever had to deal with anything like this with the first L.

-Rester


	16. on Inadequate Screen Time

**Chapter 16: on Inadequate Screen Time**

* * *

Hey you guys. It's Matt again. I'm back for the second time because I'm still kinda pissed off about my death. Besides, it's not like you really see enough of me in the actual show, anyway.

As a matter of fact, that is _exactly_ what I'm here today to complain about.

Look. I'm a cool guy, right? People like me, right?

Right. Very right.

And how much screen time did I get, exactly? Does anyone know?

Probably.

And there's a reason _why_ so many people know exactly how much screen time I received. I'm sure that reason is very apparent to those who like me. But, just in case you _aren't_ aware of the reason...

It's because my total minutes of screen time is a ridiculously easy number to count to! I think, total, I was only given, like, three minutes (five at the very most…) to shine!

And shine I did.

I did things that were undeniably, absolutely-incredibly _epic_.

But just imagine how much _more_ I could have shined if I had more than 3-5 minutes to be awesome! I mean, _just look at how much awesomeness I put in to those few, short minutes!_

Gah. The creators of this show are idiots. I could have been such an amazing character, if I was just given a chance…

~Matt


	17. on Rough Caresses

**Chapter 17: on Rough Caresses**

* * *

It is a pleasure to meet you. Please, so as not to seem rude at first impression, allow me to introduce myself.

My dear, I happen to be the murder notebook, of which everyone seems to make such a big fuss. This, I think, is quite unnecessary, as I take very good care of all my dearies…all of my darling lovers who have that gorgeous glint of murder in their eyes, only to be satisfied by my deadly, loving pages.

I take such very good care of you, indeed.

I can satisfy your ever want, need, and wish. I can give you all that you desire until you can not possibly desire any more, and then I will add to your desires with my own and give you those as well. I can make you the most powerful person alive, and whether you choose to save humanity or to destroy it, I will support your decision in its entirety.

If someone were to make my darling shed tears, I would comfort you until you shed no more—tempting you to use my pages, tempting you until you silently agree to use me to destroy the cause of your distress.

If a person were to threaten my dear's life, I would be thrown into a rage and offer up my soul to the caress of your pen tip, just waiting for the written permission that will allow me to save your life by robbing humanity of someone else's. I do this, because there is no life on earth that is more important to me than your own.

Not only do I allow you to, I beg you to use me however you please. Write a name, and I will do the rest.

But, oh, oh. My current lover, Mikami. Mikami is too rough with me, making loving him as utterly as I should ever so painful.

I do please him, I do, but the feeling of pleasure, I cannot say, is entirely mutual.

He slashes at my tender pages with his writing instrument, sometimes with enough force even to cause me to tear. He barks orders at me with an almost frightening intensity, shouting at me to "delete" as though I would dream of doing anything else.

The loudness of his unnecessary verbal commands vibrate through me, causing me to feel terrible and writhe in pain.

My dear, Mikami, I would never wrong you. There is no need to shout. There is no need to slash, or to press so hard. Please, become gentler, my dear, and I will still take the best care of you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, after much careful consideration, I finally decided that it would be most appropriate to make the Death Note darkly romantic. Personally, I think it fits quite well (though, it might be a problem that I'm now kind of drooling over a murder notebook…). If you didn't quite catch the concept, basically, the death note views the relationship of a notebook and the human who owns/uses it as one that is deeply intimate, romantic, and sexual. But, if that human were to give up ownership or permanently cease usage of the notebook at any time, it will immediately sever all emotional attachments to them, and they would be once again viewed as just another human. However, in the event of an owner's death, the notebook would feel as though it failed, and despair until it has a new owner. The only attachment it feels that is stronger than the attachment it feels towards its owner is the attachment it feels towards the Shinigami following the human around, but this attachment is only viewed as intimately romantic if the Shinigami is actually in possession of it. If the first Shinigami who owned the notebook were to die, or swap notebooks with another Shinigami, although the notebook would form other relationships, it would never stop longing for it's first owner to return and be in its company once again, never forming a bond with the new Shinigami owner. So, for example, when she first picked up the death note, Misa's notebook would feel an attachment to Gelus and Misa, but not to Rem.
> 
> Please let me know if the above explanation even makes any sense, and if the way I've personified it seems appropriate or not.
> 
> This chapter is dedicated to Stormygio, who never complains when I bother her at very obscure hours of the morning to run new fic/chapter ideas by her before they are written, and for helping to decide which concepts I should write and which concepts are absolute crap.


	18. on Unwarranted Life-Endangerment

**Chapter 18: on Unwarranted Life Endangerment**

* * *

I am Hideki Ryuuga.

Ahem. The _real_ Hideki Ryuuga, thank you very much. You've probably heard of me. I'm quite the famous celebrity. In fact, you might even be one of my adoring fans; I do have quite a lot of them. I'd even go so far as to say that some of them might even kill themselves if I were to suddenly, say, _die_.

Dying, which is what everybody knows Kira makes people do.

Kira, really. You know, I couldn't really care less about "Kira" or that "L" person, because it doesn't really have anything to do with me at all. Kira can kill who he wants, and L can suspect anyone he wants; It's not like their game of hide and seek will have any effect on me or my life, because I'm not some filthy criminal at risk of being killed by Kira (I cringe at the thought of what that would do to my fan base).

Or at least, I _shouldn't_ be at risk of being killed by Kira.

When L went to Kira's university to try and get closer to him, it was _my_ name that he used as an alias, just so that if Kira tried to kill him using the alias L gave—again, _my name!_ —there was a chance that I would die, and then L would have his proof.

 _Does anyone even realize just how much that retard, L, was risking my goddamn life by pulling that little stunt?_

I, for one, am absolutely _enraged_ by this! What would he have done if Kira _had_ killed me? Huh? Write up some worthless apology letter and put it on my casket? !

"Oops, sorry about that. I think I might have made a slight miscalculation in my estimates."

I don't think he even realizes just how incredibly _important_ I am to the world.

What exactly does he do for the world, anyway? I mean, all he does is solve murder cases and shit. Utterly worthless. Well, not entirely worthless, but really: _anyone could do it_.

I, on the other hand? I entertain people, and provide teenage girls with a sexy hero to look up to. Heh. Which one is more important, do you think?

That's exactly right. My sexiness will always prevail over some dude who tries to chase after murderers. I, on the other hand, am sane, and therefore _avoid_ murderers as much as possible.

Normal, sane people tend to do that.

Anyway, all I'm saying is that L is a complete and total bastard. That's just all there is to it.

-Hideki Ryuuga


	19. on Apple-Related Lies

Hey, it's Ryuk.

You know, I don't really mind Light. No, I don't mind Light at all. He's obviously very interesting, but I do have a bit of an issue with something he does sometimes. Well, actually, something he doesn't do.

I used to think of him as a bit of a goody-two-shoes, if you can believe it. The way he only wanted to kill bad people, I mean. It seemed like a sort of boring way to do things. But then he started becoming more badass after L humiliated him on television, and that's when Light started asking favours of me.

He offered me apples as payment for all those little chores I did for him. I'll do a lot of things for apples, after all.

But what I have a problem with is the way I am promised all these amazingly juicy apples, but I'm only actually given them about half of the time! Surely you've noticed that I'm promised a lot more apples than I ever actually get to have.

Not only that, but every time Light and I walk past this one store, called, "The Apple Store," Light lies to me and tells me that there are actually no apples in it.  _How can there not be apples in a place called the Apple Store? !_

And, what's even more ridiculous is that Light tries to make me believe that they sell  _technology_ at the apple store. Usually, he's better at lying that  _that_.

Apple-related lies are the worst, and I will not be satisfied until Light grows me an orchard.

-Ryuk


	20. on Abandonment

Hello, this is L's headquarters building.

You know, I like to think of myself as very accommodating, as well as exceedingly awesome. Well, I  _am_ very awesome. In fact, I am the envy of all of the other buildings in the entire area.

I am very tall, worth a lot of money, and my floors are positively spotless. No…spotless is too weak a term.

They  _shine_. They _shine!_

If that's not proof enough that I am the best skyscraper known to man, I am also  _haunted_. Somebody  _died_ in me. Well, two somebodies, as a matter of fact. And everyone knows that all buildings' hopes and dreams are that they might one day be haunted, because we (meaning skyscrapers) can talk to ghosts. Ghosts make for great company, and we never let them leave.

Not. Ever.

So, I am spacious and modern and clean and I have an incredibly cool glass staircase. I have some of the best security features around, making me incredibly intelligent (I don't know if you humans would know this, but extra security features automatically up the intelligence of any building they are placed in.)

So, I'm sure you can see where I'm coming from when I present you with this argument, this near- _plea_ : "How can you not love me?"

It happened not too long after I first became haunted (which is pretty amazing within itself, considering that that sort of thing usually only happens to older buildings). All of my occupants just up and left me.

They just  _left_ me.

 _Left_ me.

Left  _me_.

This is abandonment, and I think it's caused me to develop a complex.  _I now have_   _psychological issues because of this._

I hope you're happy.

Oh, but I'm not done  _yet_. Who did you abandon me for, exactly?

The building you moved your fucked up little investigation to is a tiny little  _wimp_. Trust me. I've spoken to her. She makes me wish that it were possible for skyscrapers to commit fucking suicide.

She can barely even be called a  _building_. She's practically as small as a fucking  _car._

…Okay, maybe I'm exaggerating just a  _little_ , but, come on! Seriously! Here I am, empty and haunted and clean and spacious and perfectly perfect for being used, and yet they all  _left me_ for that utterly idiotic, cramped, colourful, and goddamn  _tiny_ female building!

Well, at least I have my two ghosts to keep me company.

-Kira Investigation Task Force Headquarters Building, The Awesome


	21. on Backstabbing Friends

Hey'a, this is Nori. A lot of you probably won't remember me, but I'm Misa's friend, the one who helped her put together her Second Kira broadcast videos to send to the Sakura TV station (not that I  _knew_ that they were Kira broadcast videos).

Well, actually, it's probably better to refer to Misa as my  _ex-_ friend.

Like, dude, okay, seriously? Friends don't just  _jump_  at the opportunity to kill off other friends,  _especially_  not for the sake of some guy they just met (no matter how hot and sexy that guy may happen to be,  _that's just not something that you do._ ).

But  _dude_ , did you  _see_ — _did you just fucking_ see—how quickly Misa was able to decide that it was all just fine-and-goddamn-fucking-dandy to take my life? Hell, it was like a snap of the fingers.

 _Snap!_ "Oh Light, I will kill the friend who helped me make it, if you want me to!"

 _SNAP_. That's the sound her bones will be making when  _I_   _BREAK THEM._

Misa is a backstabbing bitch who doesn't appreciate a single goddamn thing that any of her friends have done for her.

YE BE WARNED.

-Nori

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to thank plannedbyReaperLight for the idea to use Nori in a chapter.


	22. on Sexism

Hello there, this is Kyoko. I'm that girl from Toho University. You might remember me for my stalkerish tendencies regarding Hideki Ryuuga.

(Also known as L.)

However, I'm not really speaking only for myself, here. As a matter of fact, I'm just the one writing this—in actuality, all of the girls from Death Note have briefly put aside their differences today in order to cooperate and let their voices be heard.

Surely at least some of you have noticed that there is a ton of sexism in Death Note. I mean, come on, guys—it's pretty damn obvious. Just think about it.

Let's start with Naomi Misora. So, there she is, all badass and FBI-ish. An excellent agent with the nickname, "Misora Massacre."

( _Massacre_ , you guys! How cool is THAT?)

But then she got engaged to Raye Penber, and her status as a strong, capable human being seemed to dissipate. She was forced to quit her job and, I quote, became "just Raye's wife, now."

The next example is Misa Amane. Misa, actually, isn't as dumb as most people think she is; she was able to meet Kira and not get caught, even after announcing her plans on live television. She was able to make Higuchi confess to being Kira.

However, she is viewed as stupid because that is how she is portrayed.

( _Just like the rest of the women in Death Note._ )

And then there's Sayu Yagami.

Really, it would be hard to find a better example for this than Light's poor sister.

She's portrayed as less-than-intelligent, needy, and weak. And after she gets rescued from being kidnapped, you never really even see her again.

We do not appreciate the sexism.

-The Women of Death Note


	23. on Lack Of Character Development

This is Mogi.

I feel like I'm one of the most underdeveloped recurring character in the entire series. In fact, I would bet that—if anyone actually liked me enough or cared enough to do so—it would be simple to count the total number of lines I have throughout the show.

Am I underdeveloped just because I happen not to say as much or talk as often as some of my peers? Now  _that's_ hardly fair, don't you think?

How much does anyone get to know about me, anyway? That I'm good at detective work and I like to cook? Gee, you guys all know me so well.

I'll have you know that there is  _much_ more to me than just  _that_. If I was given even just 10% more character development than I ended up receiving (10% wouldn't be a very difficult feat), you would know things like that.

-Mogi


	24. on Occupational Confusion

Hello, this is Matsuda.

I have a problem with the way I am always being treated. And by that, I mean: I am not a server. I know this seems like it should be an obvious fact, but you just don't seem to grasp that.

If I had wanted to take up a job as a waiter, I would have gone to waiter school (that exists, right?) and taken a job up as a waiter. But, because I didn't happen to do that, I do not work in a restaurant. I work as a detective.

 _(_ Ryuzaki, this rant is aimed mainly—no, directly—at you, by the way. _)_

That's right, L. I have finally worked up the guts to say it: I refuse to be your personal coffee slave anymore! You use me, you abuse me—you just treat me like absolute garbage!

Well, I, for one, will not stand for it. Not any more. No more, "coffee this, Matsuda," no more, "coffee that, Matsuda." I am  _done_. That is Watari's job.

…Well, I mean, I suppose I could still do it when everyone is really busy, or something, or when I have nothing better to do…but, just…not all the time, okay?

Good. Just so we're clear.

(Please don't get angry with me…)

-Matsuda

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I couldn't picture Matsuda standing up to L without becoming increasingly more nervous…
> 
> ~Ratt Kazamata


	25. on L's Ego

Hello, this is Light again.

I've heard that there have been a few complaints regarding my supposedly "over-inflated ego". I must say that this is a terribly poor judgment of my character, and makes me wonder why no one has yet bothered to point out  _L's_ ego, which happens to be much larger than my own.

Yes, L supporters, your precious Lawliet has perhaps the worst ego of them all. He's arrogant and full of himself and he always has to be right, and he always has to get his way, and he always has to get cake in the middle of the night when I'm trying to sleep, and he always has to stack those sugar cubes in that irritating way; he does it—I swear—just to spite me, just to prove that he can do whatever he wants because he is oh-so-superior.

I mean, have you seen his screensaver on his computer? It's a fucking  _L_ , for gods' sake. The man tries so damn hard to hide himself from the public, and his identity, but—oh! Using his computer in a public place. How dangerous that would be!

"Look, everybody! That guy over there just left his computer alone for ten minutes, and, wow! It went to the screensaver. And guess what! The screensaver is an 'L', just like that big detective dude.  _I wonder if there could possibly be some connection?..."_

I wish I knew, or could say, that he does that for some reason other than to satisfy his monster-ego, but there really is no other explanation that I can think of.

People— _and Sayu, this is directed at you—_ should stop focusing on my decent-sized ego and start looking at L's superiority complex.

-Light


	26. on That Bitch Takada

Hello, this is Misa, here to complain about that utter bitch, Takada.

Who does she think she even is, anyway? Light's "Goddess of the New World"? Pssshaa, as if. What an obvious lie. I have been the Goddess of Light's new world almost since he first got the notebook, back when she was just a petty bystander.

I mean, I am the Second Kira, and what is she? Like, what, the  _fourth_?

As far as I am concerned, she still is just a petty bystander. I mean, honestly. She believes so readily that Light loves her, even though everyone already knows that Light loves  _me_.

And what was all that shit she did, with that whole fight over which one of us was Light's girlfriend? I mean,  _duh_ ,  _obviously_ it's me. Light and I are getting married, after all. Just who does she think she is?

Just…ugh. She seriously needs to get out of my way.

-Misa


	27. on Inaccurate Character Representation

This is Aizawa.

You know, I'm not actually as bad a guy as I'm made out to be. All you ever seem to see of me is me yelling at people and being angry, making a nuisance of myself and all, but I'm really not like that. I'm just the type of person who takes charge a lot, and doesn't like it when people are messing around.

I just have a problem with the way Ryuzaki does things, that bastard. It's not as if I act all vengeful around  _everyone_. He's just a freak of nature, with horrible methods and no morals, and it pisses me off.

Misa, too. She's always running around, doing her whole "Misa-Misa" act, but it's in the middle of the goddamn Kira investigation. There's no fucking time to be  _messing the fuck around_!

I believe I might have said something like that already.

That's kind of all I want to say. Just so we're clear.

-Aizawa


	28. on Misrepresentation Of Death Gods

This is Rem.

I do not agree with the way that Shinigami are portrayed in this series. It is quite undignified.

 _(_ Especially my character. _)_

For one, I was shown as highly emotional and prone to attachments. While I may have grown attached to Misa, that doesn't necessarily mean I'm weak or emotional. I am a Shinigami, and have the power to kill you.

Do not take it lightly.

Speaking of Light, it's true that I cannot ignore the fact that he is the reason I died. Which leads me to my second point. I, a Shinigami—a  _god_ of  _death_ —was killed by a mere human. Light Yagami is not and never was a god, and therefore should not have been capable of killing me.

It's almost as if the death note's rules are designed just to spite us Shinigami.

We aren't as weak or useless as we are portrayed, damn it.

-Rem


	29. on Getting Eaten

I am a apple. I am a  _angry_ apple.

That would normally be, of course, because red apples are always the angry ones.

 _(_ The yellow apples are always the irritating weak ones, the orange apples are always the studs, and the green apples are always the indifferent and coldhearted ones. _)_

But this is  _not_ just a case of a red apple having a little self-induced fit. This is a case of a red apple throwing a fit, yes, but there is, for once, a good  _reason_ behind it. And what would that reason be, exactly?

I am not just  _a_ apple, I am a apple that is being used for eating.

Eating, by a Shinigami.

This is something which I do not accept. I am such a big symbol in Death Note, and yet I just get eaten in the end. I should at least be able to be chucked at someone's head, or  _something_.

I would love to be chucked at someone's head. It would be great stress relief.

I'm just saying..

-Ryuuku's Red Apple


	30. on Naomi Misora

This is Beyond Birthday.

 _(_ Not  _Backup_. _)_

I'm here to talk about that  _bitch_ Naomi Misora. Who does she think she is, anyway? The LABB murder cases were none of her business to begin with, and she should never have gotten involved.

She didn't just let me burn, oh no, as if suicide wasn't punishment enough. It was exactly what I wanted, of course, but she didn't even have the decency to let me die. Instead, I have to live with these burns, this failure.

While I might have underestimated her just a little bit, that doesn't change the fact that she is obnoxious, and she stepped on my stomach.

What kind of a woman steps on someone's stomach? I bet she did it on purpose.

I do actually realize that I am hating on this woman without much logic. I don't particularly care. That is all.

-Beyond Birthday


End file.
